Invasion of Easter Peeps

Sugary Terror Stopped in Its Tracks

Big sugar is on the move. Late yesterday, federal agents stopped a sugary terror plot. They seized suicide sugar bunnies aimed at millions of innocent children. Those bunnies were set to inflict maximum damage on a major religious holiday soon.

“This amounts to chemical warfare,” said Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly. “Those bunnies carry a load of pure, white, and deadly sugar. We’ve stopped a whole hoard of suicide sugar bombs.”

Naive Parents, Deadly Poison

Without swift action, naive parents might have welcomed those deadly sugar bombs. Big sugar has duped many parents into thinking that sugar is just a source of energy. Those parents foolishly focus on the big picture. Things like physical activity distract them from the imminent danger of sugar.

But they are very wrong. The threat, says Robert Lustig, “is not about the calories. It has nothing to do with calories. It’s a poison by itself.”

Big Sugar Will Fight Back

Lemonade Stand!Candy makers are already fighting back. The industry funds the CandyPAC. It will spend $1.9 million on state and federal lobbying over the next year. The National Confectioners Association (NCA) spends lavishly on events at Trump hotels, according to the Washington Post. NCA President John Downs Jr. recently told his board of trustees:

We have a very narrow window of time now with the current administration and political dynamics to win this fight.

Winning this war on sugary terror will not be easy. Terror experts say big sugar is has homegrown terrorists. When summer comes, cute little children will fan out across the country. The plot will have them promote deadly sugar-sweetened beverages to soft targets.

Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty. Especially on the first of April, critical thinking is a must.

Invasion of Easter Peeps, photograph © Max Elman / flickr

Subscribe by email to follow the accumulating evidence and observations that shape our view of health, obesity, and policy.


April 1, 2017

8 Responses to “Sugary Terror Stopped in Its Tracks”

  1. April 01, 2017 at 7:38 am, Lisa Oldson said:

    That was a fun one! Nice way to start April Fools Day. Thanks.

  2. April 01, 2017 at 8:07 am, Traci said:

    Is the story an April Fools joke? Were Peeps pulled from the store shelves?

    • April 01, 2017 at 3:21 pm, Ted said:

      Yes, Traci, you’re right. Cheers!

  3. April 01, 2017 at 9:36 am, Mary-Jo Overwater said:

    I also heard it will be raining jellybeans…oh, I mean, bellyjeans.;)

  4. April 01, 2017 at 3:45 pm, Allen Browne said:

    Thank you, Ted. Cheers!

  5. April 01, 2017 at 3:47 pm, Adam Tsai said:


  6. April 01, 2017 at 5:36 pm, Al Lewis said:

    My highest compliment in the humor department: worthy of They Said What.

  7. April 02, 2017 at 12:24 pm, Leah Whigham said:

    I love it!